What does radical self-acceptance look like to me?
By Ada.
I want to dedicate this post to Ida, whose video on radical self-acceptance, whose letter and message of softness brought me to this point. To Ida, who I hope to know and love always and who I will cherish like I do Stitch.
I started One Tree Hill for the sole purpose of seeing Chad Michael Murray on my screen regularly. Now, blessed beauty that he is, he is without a doubt, one of the weakest links on that show because baby, Sophia Bush aka Brooke Davis is that woman. I talk about Brooke because of her immense character development but more so the intensity and vivacity and love that Bush brought to her person. Brooke Davis is the embodiment of the self- acknowledgement first, then betterment we mean when we talk about radical self-acceptance.
When we talk about unconditional love, it’s about acceptance in terms of other people but rarely turned inwards and applied to self. And that’s really what radical self-acceptance is: Turning all of that inwards. It’s self-acknowledgement in its entirety. This doesn’t mean you’re not given the space to grow, it doesn’t mean you’re settling, it just means that you are aware of who you are as a whole, good or bad without nitpicking and feeling bad for everything you’ve done or everything you’re not. This could really just end here to be honest, but let’s go go, gadget boy!
Oh to be soft.
A few years ago, Ida wrote me a letter and at the end was a quote from Nayyirah Waheed. ‘Stay soft, it looks beautiful on you.’
The word soft as a description of people (to me) goes two ways:
- Someone small, cute, wholesome.
- Vulnerable. And personally, vulnerability leaves room for too much disrespect.
The thing is, softness isn’t necessarily a look. When Ida wrote that for me, of me, it made me feel wholesome. Like a cloud made of kindness, like I was the thing of dreams. Like I was someone to be cherished and held and believed in, someone worthy of goodness. Ideally, traits deserving of everyone. The view of softness as akin to the aforementioned requires an inward gaze i.e Why?
This letter was what, 3 years ago? Maybe 4? Regardless, my sense of self has somewhat changed since then. To me, radical self-acceptance is embracing softness and right now, softness has re-entered my life, and it’s here to stay.
Embracing softness: In the Physical.
Some would say I’m striking. I am 5’9 (6 foot in my buffaloes aka Stompers though, hehe) but the most noticeable thing most would say is the complete bald-headedness. A creative writing exercise on language last year echoed this. Tasked with describing people, I was hit with words and phrases like ‘rebellious’, ‘making a deliberate statement’, ‘defiant’. These are some of the mellow, interesting ones though; many a comment has been made but I will not repeat unwarranted sentiments. I don’t think those listed are necessarily bad but clearly, I have an image. Softness apparently does not seem to fit into that. And yet, it does.
I’ve thought about this myself too. It seems like I would be more palatable, more engaging, softer, with flowing braids or even with dyed hair and clothes that don’t swallow me whole. This too births a list of things then that if corrected, if shrunk to minuscule and less noticeable proportions would produce an easier and warmer person. These feelings do not stand alone.
Embracing softness: Of the self
Please note: Below is short spew of words and images to express my sentiments.
I would like to be an even scale. Tipped perfectly on each side instead of an excessively piled weight on one end that leaves the other up in the air. An unfair fighting chance, if there’s even a chance at all. And so I do too much or I do too little but never enough. Which means that maybe I am not enough, I am overcompensating to be and to achieve that softness, to be palatable and to offend very few. But alas I am also an angsty over-bearing teenager in a modern coming of age film, very cynical and unsure of life. But hey, we all express these things in different ways. It’s a close battle between wanting to and actually doing whatever, so we’re left with what if I overdid this, or what if I didn’t do enough. And then an avalanche of worries and upset that bind you in isolated balls of annoyance because I brought this on myself.
This might not be the right language to express Radical Self-Aceeptance but to me, it looks like this:
It is what it is because, well it is. It looks like saying, but okay, now what? It’s breaking things down to bite-size portions and accepting in its entirety that it really is what it is.
So you have options:
- What are you going to do about it?
-And do you really have to do anything about it?
That’s one of the hardest parts of growing up, picking and choosing your battles. This is no different but perhaps even tougher because it’s really sucky to fight with yourself, because you’re a constant. If there’s one thing you’ve got, it’s yourself. And running from and fighting with yourself, omo, it’s long.
The care you extend to others, make sure you extend to yourself. And the less glitzy side of self-care is seeing and accepting yourself as you are first. This includes forgiveness and honesty. Bringing yourself to the red table if you will. This is the predecessor to becoming the person you want to be.
But heyo, we’re human. And we’re intricately complex beings with layers to self and an even wider network of self-identity. You’re not a build-a-bear. You’re you.
You know what I can’t understand? You have all these people telling you all the time how great you are, smart and funny and talented and all that, I mean endlessly, I’ve been telling you for years. So why don’t you believe it? why do you think people say that stuff, Em? Do you think it’s a conspiracy, people secretly ganging up to be nice about you? — One Day by David Nicholls
P.S: I delved in and now I must one day soon write about Brooke Davis and One Tree Hill.
