How do we grow-up?
Recently I’ve been in a constant state of panic. In the past two weeks, I’ve had world-shattering dreams that have left me in a state of never-ending edginess. Today, I accepted that I’ve avoided addressing how terrified I feel. And on writing terrified, I know for a fact that it’s the perfect word.
As time passes, the less excuses there are. I’m no longer a child yet at the same time, I feel I am. I don’t know anything, but that’s a lie because I do but not nearly half as much as I should. I’m not doing enough but I am but again, not as much as I should. I should be more put-together than I am, should have more to say about myself than I do. I should be a bit more of a someone and less of a no-one.
Where is the balance? I’ve been trying to find it for years.
It’s not to say I don’t have plans, ideas, visions for myself, where I want to be, who I want to be but how do I get there? Along with just living with constant reminders of how terrible everything is, it’s like drudging through thick mud uphill with a heavy backpack and the wind blowing you backwards.
There’s a lot I could say on how scary everything feels, even when there’s good news. I got a job recently and yet every time I get closer to the start date, every time there’s an e-mail, I want to run and hide. And so far, that’s what I’ve been doing, until I convince myself it’s okay and do what needs to be done.
I was recently told I’ve lost the spark in my eye, the confidence I used to have. I initially dismissed it but no lies were told. And on talking to people around me, it’s true. And I’m scared because I don’t know when it left and where to and how I’m going to get it back. That’s another thing on the never-ending list of things that need to be done.
I’ve been cocooning myself in the safety of things I know when I want to block out the loud noise of life. I’ve been drowning myself in One Tree Hill (story for another day), and the nostalgia of childhood innocence and the excitement that came with that. The inspiration to go out and do things, to be someone when I grew up. But growing up is hard — as we all know — and nobody knows what they’re doing yet somehow, it feels like people are still doing it right.
So, what’s missing?