Happy New Year: Day 3

By Ada.

Less than 5 minutes ago, I was dry heaving and crying over the toilet, tempted to sprawl on the bathroom floor. The bathroom floor. And yet even that seemed more comforting a place to be than in bed alone with myself and my thoughts.

This new year has brought me heightened fear, an intense pessimism that feels like normalcy considering the year we’ve had, and the possible year we’ve got ahead. It seems like the trauma of living through 2020 runs a lot deeper than I thought. I’ve felt gross indifference to the start of 2021 and I’ve finally let all the tears and fears of it run amok.

I need reassurance this year, to know that something good is coming, that there is a high possibility that things will be better and happier for a lot of people. That there’ll be less trauma, less harm, less detriment and threats to the lives of people that inhabit this dying rock. I need to know that tough times won’t last, that people will get what they need to live peacefully without having to work themselves to the bone. Without losing themselves in the process, sacrificing precious times and moments only to lose in a game they had no real chance in. Unfortunately it seems like that’s asking for too much. It’s only the 3rd day out and it feels like a hopeless continuation of a piss poor book.

I feel frustrated, like there’s so little within my power and control and the patience required to experience good sometimes means patiently waiting forever. Goodness isn’t a given of life, it should be but it isn’t. Sometimes you wait and at the end of the day there’s nothing to wait for. What’s left is wasted time and there isn’t always a lesson in that.

This isn’t the happiest read so I want to leave you with this:

I wish you peace. A stillness that calms the inner turmoil and the noise of simply existing. A calmness that holds you like a child clinging to a soft toy, like the kiss of a loved one on your forehead as they tell you goodnight.

I wish you love. For love in its entirety is vast, an emotion that spans the lengths of the world’s waters and stretches even beyond. It is love that’ll keep you going on the days you want to crumble and It’s love that’ll let you fall in the ways you need to, that’ll cast a safety net of protection over you as you pick yourself up.

I wish you purpose, specifically a purposeful existence. May you find that which brings you the joy of doing something or being someone important in your own way. A way of life that fills you with peace and love and understand, this is not the be and end all of who you are.